How Does Shame Develop?

We’ve established that shame can be both a powerful motivator while also operating without the effort of conscious thought. Something that can hold such significant sway over who we are and how we act deserves a deeper understanding of how it develops.

An Emotional Clutch

Shame, as with many other emotions and behaviors we’ve discussed, develops in childhood as we learn to regulate behaviors. Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell describe it as an emotional “clutch” that kicks in to redirect one’s interest in more acceptable behaviors. This makes sense when you think for a moment about how a child engaged in an unacceptable behavior responds to an adult’s glare. Oops – he’s caught! The child will get a slightly startled look on his face, the excitement fades, and he experiences a sinking feeling. He stops engaging in the activity, his body shrinks back, and finally he will turn his eyes away. In a normal situation, these reactions will not be big movements or dramatic; combined they are simply a pulling-in of energy and calming down, an internal correction.

This reaction occurs across cultures, so we know it is a part of the human experience and it has a purpose. This is the voice of conscience. It is nature’s way

of ensuring that humans can learn to live toge