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6 Questions to Ask if You are Unsure About Your Relationship

Image of old pink and white car with bridal flowers. Raleigh Psychotherapy, Counseling, Katherine Broadway, relationships

“Relationships seek to obtain: Level flight, nice buzz, floating down the river, hitting rapids, “weee that was fun,” return to level flight.” Margaret Martin

How do I know when it is right? Am I settling? What if I am making a mistake? These are common questions to ask yourself after the romance cools. These are extremely hard questions to answer because, let’s face it, there is always someone better. After the initial rush is gone, there is always another exciting romance to be had. No matter what your age, there is always someone else who can give you that initial high.


When you are having difficulty answering your own questions, it may mean you are asking the wrong questions. Allow me to suggest six questions that are often more productive than the ones listed above.

  1. Do I feel an intimate connection? Intensity is not intimacy, and it certainly is not love. Intimacy is the level flight. It is defined “as close familiarity or friendship; closeness." Synonyms are: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment. It is about being emotionally close to another person, being able to let your guard down without fear of rejection. It is being able to share your inner life with them.

  2. Do I feel relaxed? Being able to relax in life is one of the most important things we can do for our mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. Not having to act in a way to please someone else, and being able to talk freely about the things that interest you and not be criticized. You can feel how you feel and can show all your emotions instead of just the ones deemed acceptable. It is the ability to be with someone and not have to worry about how you look. It is being able to be your true self.

  3. Can you say “No”? Are you able to decide for yourself about what you want and don’t want? When sex is involved, there is no coercion. You are respected for your desires and preferences. When you say “no,” do you feel you are safe from being abandoned, punished or left?

  4. Can you say “yes” freely? Do you like and care about this person enough to give your time, attention and care to them? Do you have the internal and external freedom to give because that is what you want to do? Can you freely give, even when it is inconvenient to you?

  5. Is your relationship a 30%-70% split? Are you satisfied with this relationship on average 70% of the time? Every relationship will have disagreements, boredom and unhappiness. That is life. When things aren’t going well, do you both work to correct the situation so you can return to “smooth flight?” Is a portion of the 70% “slight buzz and ‘wee that was fun’?”

  6. Do you trust this person to “show up, dress up and work?” This is non-negotiable. Relationships are hard work; romance is effortless and fun. Romance is unpredictable and fleeting, a real relationship is long term and steady. Without work, there is no real relationship.

Are you having problems finding answers to these questions? I can help you hear yourself. Call me at: 919-881-2001.

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