What is Memory?

Dianne has been dating Joseph for three years. They have a warm and loving relationship. He treats her with respect and kindness, and is willing to help her when she needs him. They share many interests and spend a lot of their time having fun. Conversation is lively, interesting and intimate. Dianne and Joseph talk about conflicts and disagreements, and can usually resolve them in mutually satisfying ways. Dianne has never told him that she loves him and often needs to make distance. This is particularly true after being intimate.

John has been married twice. After his second intense and painful marriage, he quit dating and says that he never wants another close relationship. He believes that the only way for him to have a content, happy life is to be single.

Dianne and John ask the same question, “Why am I so afraid of closeness?”

The answer can be found in the experiences they had in childhood. When asked to recall what it was like to be close growing up, they have few memories. They don't recall the events that taught them to be afraid of closeness because of the way memory and learning develop.